Sunday, December 5, 2004 - Time For A Little Explanation

Thank you, dear readers, for your kindness and your concern. I really appreciate it. You are as dear to me as my "real-life" friends.

Why have I disappeared for so long? The answer is simple, my friends: A deep lingering depression that manifested itself this time in the guise of total apathy. I became totally disconnected from my normal life - not taking part in most of my usual activities and hobbies, not doing anything vaguely social unless forced into it, and generally speaking hiding from the world.

The worst thing about it is that I don't know why I have felt this way. If I'm depressed, and I can locate a root cause for it, it tends not to grip me too tightly. But sometimes I just feel...nothing... for a long time. It's not life, it's mere existence.

Normally I would do things like retreat into the online world, but I never really felt inclined to do that this time. Yes, that was partially because of _The Sims_, but I really only played that for a few days, and I really wasn't online at all (hence the ridiculous number of email messages).

Just to put your mind at ease:

• I am not suicidal or anything like that. Once in my life I was, but I won't let myself get to that point ever again.
• I still take good care of my kids when I'm down. No, I'm not Supermom, but the boys remain happy and healthy.

So after 3 weeks, I am managing to pull myself out of this mental state. I suppose I could go to counseling, but they would just tell me things I already know. Or maybe I could get drugs, but I don't really care to muck around with my brain chemistry too much.

You don't need to worry about me. But if you see me disappear without explanation again for a long period, you certainly have my permission to come look for me. (Even if it means standing outside my house throwing snowballs at the front windows).